Welcome to the Gotham Globe Times! Your weekly, unconventional recap of (and commentary on) the wonderful and magical world of Gotham, the television series. Join us on a whimsical adventure with the World’s Greatest Baby Detective “Baby Bruce” (played by Bruce Wayne), his trusty Butler Alfy (played by Alfred Pennyworth), his plucky on-again off-again girlfriend Kitten (played by Selina Kyle), his buddy cop Jim (played by James Gordon), Jim’s trusty Doctor Girlfriend Lee (played by Leslie Thompkins), his psychotic wife Barbara “Babs” (played by Barbara Gordon-Kean), and the ever flappable kingpin Pen Pen (played by The Penguin).
Last year in Gotham
“I wanna find my dad’s super secret! I wanna I wanna!” – Baby Bruce
Why did you kill that person? Laughter! You didn’t kill that person! Bang Bang! Yes I did!
And a short, skinny man threw a full grown woman off a building.
This week in Gotham…
Secret Tunnel! Secret Tunnel! In the Mansion! Secret Secret Secret Tunnel!
Baby Bruce sees giant steel door = I’mma ram it!
First combinations Baby Bruce tries
***7 (poor camera angle)
… literally just “2”
Whelp, time to give up
One Month Later
… Lou Reed’s “Perfect Day” became a smash hit in Gotham
Just checking in with the monthly meeting of the Blade Runner Cosplay Guild
And Zsasz shoots a guy. And yes, that is still stupid.
Slow pan over all the bads who got locked up from last season to make sure we didn’t forget them.
I guess Babs is moving into the co-ed part of the asylum. Complete with a dude to carry her luggage.
Oh hey! Peter Patrelli, ghost phazing into the shot to give a Roman Legionaire a blue glowy drink… wait is this Dr. Who?
“I am Zardon! The Soul Reaper!” What?!? Looks like Bulk ate Skull but with guns (hey hey, Power Rangers)
So… this dude, while bizarre, walks out into the street openly brandishes two pistols, shouts out his name and title, fires off 7 rounds at random into the crowd before Jim even bothers drawing his service weapon. Jim Gordon for Commissioner everyone!
So Jim tells him to drop his guns, dude complies. Cool, 2 points Jim. Dude then proceeds to draw a katana and walks over and grabs a random woman (who appears to be entirely oblivious to everything going on). Great, now he has a hostage, -5 Jim.
Gordon puts his gun away after dude throws away hostage. “Listen man, I don’t wanna have to shoot you… too much paperwork”
Punch to the solar plexus, kick to the back of the knee, drop dude, cuff him. 2 points Jim.
New partner guy just walks over like “Hey guys what’s going on?”
…. Did we forget this guy just fired off 7 rounds into a crowded street!?!? Man, Gotham must be really bad
Oh hey, it’s Zaardon (with two A’s) Thanks for the correction Zaardon, drinker of the dragon’s blood
Time for the locker room heart to heart with our good buddy Ridd-Nigma.
“Hey, you okay” – Jim
“Yep” – Nigma
And then Nigma starts yelling at his reflection
“Dude! Stop copying me!”
“Dude, it’s a mirror, that’s how they work”
Which sounds better: Tyler Nigma or Riddler Durden? You decide!
Oh hey, Bullock quit off camera… according to Evil Commissioner!
“Commissioner, this is not JUUSSSSTTT” – Captain Whatshername
Oh man! 8:55 minutes in and Jim already lost his badge and gun! He’s just too out of control! He’s off the chain! He’s a loose cannon! He’s another metaphor!
Whelp, thanks for coming everyone
Meanwhile, Zaardon just belched a blue cloud while passed out in his shared cell.
“You’re willing to break the law to be a cop again?” – Dr. Lee No Pants
“Bend it a little, yeah” – Jim
“Why keep beating your head against a wall?” – Dr. Lee No Pants
“I’mma cop…. I’mma cop…” – Jim
Uh… maybe he got a concussion
What do you know? Arkham is co-ed. Not-Joker gets to hit on Babs
The Penguin-father running his council of random dudes and Kitten…
“Jim! My bff!” – Pen Pen
“Your wish is granted!” – Pen Pen
“… you don’t know what it is yet.” – Jim
“You want Commie Loebe gone and your old job back, no?” – Pen Pen
“……. Yes” – Jim
“I’ve got a tiny favor you can do for me!” – Pen Pen
“… You want me to collect a debt for you?” – Jim
I like how Jimmy gets all uppity when criminals ask him to do crimes
“I want our friendship to be REAL! Built on trust and friendship!” – Pen Pen
“… er no? I’m not crime guy. You crime guy” – Jim
Bullock now works at a bar Jim frequents. And Bullock sobered up, going 30 days on, and a steady lady friend. Good for him.
Not gonna lie, that reach around neck embrace and forehead to forehead touch between Jim and Bullock was one of the most romantic things in the show.
Meanwhile, back at the Wayne Manor: “I’m British and speak with a British accent British” – Alfy
“Hey Baby Bruce, I got fire from the GCPD… so I can’t keep that whole promise about finding your parents’ murder thingy.” – Jim
“Apology accepted, but uh, you didn’t have to walk all the way here” – Baby Bruce
So drunk-buzzed Jim came to Baby Bruce to get advice on whether or not he should take Pen Pen’s deal. Baby Bruce starts pacing around the room reading back the options.
“Taking the deal with Pen Pen, would not be good. Because he is bad. But you can’t work at the GCPD, which is bad, but there are good people there who are good. And honor” – Baby Bruce
“Yeah.” – Jim
What is happening?
I get the feeling Baby Bruce was just trying to get Jim out of his house so he could go back down the Secret Tunnel.
When random buttons, all the buttons, palm slapping the panel, kicking the door twice, and shoulder ramming fail… pull out hair and grab a hammer!
Oh man, we’re not even halfway done with this episode…
So Jim, goes the club in Scar Face and meets Scar Face and says “Give Pen Pen his money!”
“To that fruitcake leprechaun, not a chance.” … I’m pretty sure that’s racist
“I’m gonna count to 3. 1…” – Jim
Proceeds to grab the gun in his face and start kick punching dudes. Uh… Jim, maybe you’ve had too much if you can’t count higher than “1”
So when criminals get robbed by not-cop Jim, they call the cops on him.
And then Jim shot Tony Montana. Our hero ladies and gentlemen.
“Fertilizer!?! What is your game?” – Alfy
… er are you asking the fertilizer?
“Isn’t it obvious?” – Baby Bruce
“Don’t talking in French to me!” – Alfy
“You don’t know the first thing about making a bomb do you?” – Alfy
“I read a book Alfred! It seems simple enough!” – Baby Bruce
… er…. topical?
“Maybe that door it trying to tell us something!” – Alfy
What is this? Labyrinth?
“I mean, who knows what your dear old dad was up to down there anyway?” – Alfy, with shifty eyes
“… Like what?” – Baby Bruce
“Help me make this bomb or… tea would be nice.” – Baby Bruce
“Well you’re gonna need 10 more sacks of that” – Alfy
“I’ll put the kettle on” – Alfy
So Babs manages to get a phone in Arkham so she can call up Jim to let him know that she totally didn’t go psycho on his new lady doctor friend. “In fact, she attacked me!”
Calls Lee’s phone a few minutes later “I hope you die screaming b****.”
“Let’s get out of here, go away for a while, just the two of us” Dr. Girlfriend Lee
“I can’t. I did a bad thing… I did a bad thing…” – Jim
Again, did he get a concussion beating his head against the metaphorical wall?
Meanwhile, Pen Pen and Sasz break into Evil Commissioner’s house at night.
“Do you like peanut butter?” – Pen Pen
And then Sasz holds up the severed head of a dude. What is this Sleepy Hollow?
Also, oh jeez! Really pushing that TV-14 aren’t ya?
“Dude, you have no vices to expose, so blackmail is out. We should probably just kill you” – Pen Pen
So Pen Pen forces Evil Commish to retire and they sing him out with an Acapella “So Long, Farewell”
Oh hey, new character. Maybe that wasn’t ghost Peter Patrelli at the beginning.
So Babs is turning Arkham in a total girls club, complete with nail polish and gossip stories.
So Police Captain Whatshername got promoted to Commish.
Okay, so Zaardon gets dropped off in Beauty School Arkham and hops up on a table threatening to devour souls. No one really care. He then falls over and a blue noxious gas spews from his mouth and knocks out everyone in the room. Then dudes and a lady-dude burst in with masks and guns to presumably break someone out.
“There’s been an ‘incident’ at Arkham” – Police Commish Whatshername
Putting it lightly
“6 inmates have escaped, Babs was one of them” – Police Commish Whatshername
“OMG” – Dr. Girlfriend Lee
Ciel/Theo? and Tabitha Galavin stole the Arkham patients.
“Imagine, a brilliant group of outlaws working for the highest bidder.” – Ciel/Theo
If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and when they find you….maybe you can run from The B-Team
So, Tabitha uses a whip on a dude and then stabs him repeatedly just south of the camera. Fun for the whole family.
Meanwhile, Baby Bruce and Alfy make the room go boom!
World’s Greatest Baby Detective, solves the riddle of a door keypad with explosives.
Oh hey amidst the ancient lamp, and ancient flat panel computers, there’s a letter to Brucey.
“If you’re reading this, than I am dead and you figured out the keypad code was ‘Bruce’.” – Papa Note
WORLD’S. GREATEST. BABY. DETECTIVE!
It’s like Papa Note knew he and Mama Wayne were gonna totes die.
“You can’t have both happiness and truth. You have to choose. Please choose happiness, unless you feel a calling, a true calling.” Thanks Papa Note. You’ve condemned Baby Bruce to a life of darkness, no parents, though money, sorta makes it better.
Gotham: Rise of the Villains. It’s like Rise of the Guardians, but completely different.
Thus concludes this week’s coverage of Gotham news. Please tune in next week to the thrilling continuation of coverage.