Welcome to the Gotham Globe Times! Your weekly, unconventional recap of (and commentary on) the wonderful and magical world of Gotham, the television series. Join us on a whimsical adventure with the World’s Greatest Baby Detective “Baby Bruce” (played by Bruce Wayne), his trusty Butler Alfy (played by Alfred Pennyworth), his plucky on-again off-again girlfriend Kitten (played by Selina Kyle), his buddy cop Jim (played by James Gordon), Jim’s trusty Doctor Girlfriend Lee (played by Leslie Thompkins), his psychotic wife Barbara “Babs” (played by Barbara Gordon-Kean), and the ever flappable kingpin Pen Pen (played by The Penguin).
Previously on Gotham…
World’s Greatest Baby Detective, solves the riddle of a door keypad with explosives.
Oh hey amidst the ancient lamp, and ancient flat panel computers, there’s a letter to Brucey.
“If you’re reading this, than I am dead and you figured out the keypad code was ‘Bruce’.” – Papa Note
WORLD’S. GREATEST. BABY. DETECTIVE!
It’s like Papa Note knew he and Mama Wayne were gonna totes die.
Gotham: Rise of the Villains. It’s like Rise of the Guardians, but completely different.
This week in Gotham
“Mr Mayor, do you wanna know what I really am?” – Ciel/Theo
“Ye-yes sir” – Dude with a lockbox for a hat
“Shall I tell you?” – Ciel/Theo
What is this, Evil Within?
“In this jar is a big hairy spider. I’m gonna open the hatch and drop the spider in. That’s choice A” – Ciel/Theo
“Oh noes!” – Dude with a lockbox for a hat
“Choice B, call your secretary and tell her you ran off with some lady” – Ciel/Theo
Unlocks the Mayor’s face
“Viola! There is no spider! Good joke right!?!” – Ciel/Theo
Ah ha! The Gotham Gazette! Our worthy adversary!
Newspaper reads “Mayor Missing with Mystery Lover!?!?” HeadJourno goes “What the heck is this?”
As if on cue, a body flies past the giant window behind him.
And then another body, while HeadJourno is still rambling about how no one cares about the Mayor’s mistress and that they should go out and get him headline! Cue a third body
So, the Band-o-villains is up on the roof of some building, still dressed in their Arkham bars and stripes, just chucking people off the roof. You know, for kids!
They spell out “MANIAX!” with the bodies. The dude’s got pretty good arms though to throw them half a block away.
“Now that’s a headline!” – Not-Joker
“You all know what we’re facing here, but I’m gonna explain it anyway because exposition” – Commish Whatshername
“As of right now, we have no leads.” HOW? Four guys dressed as prisoners threw 7 people off the roof of a newspaper building and no one saw anything!?!
“Here are our subjects. Not-Joker, matricide. SteveBuscemiWannabe, schizophrenic, poisoner, rapist. TallAndBald, killed his entire family with his bare (or BEAR!!) hands. CoheedAndCambriaFrontman, killed and ate a dozen women. And my ex, killed her parents.” – Jim
So after a busy morning of people chucking, the Maniax sit down for some donut breakfast and learn about the complexities of putting on a play… no, really.
“You guys are gonna be on TV, you have to have style and pizazz. You, say ‘Good evening ladies and gentlemen.’” – Ciel/Theo who then offers some constructive feedback like “sinister”, “authoritative” and “no”
So whip lady is teaching Babs how to whip the mayor who is still in that lockbox.
“But when is Babs’ time!?!” – Babs
Meanwhile, in the ancient cave under the Wayne Manor with the ancient lamps and ancient flat panel monitors, Baby Bruce and Alfy are rummaging around. Oh hey, a gun!
“Dude! This ancient computer could have all PapaWayne’s research on Wayne Ent. corrupt! I’mma turn it on!” – Baby Bruce
Alfy takes a hammer to it.
“If I had known what was down here, I never would have helped!” – Alfy. Yeah right.
“Liters of blood! A kevlar vest with slugs in it! Guns!”
So PapaWayne used to fight vampires with Blade and Bullock, big deal (haha, obscure movie reference!)
“I’m trying to keep you safe.” – Alfy. Says the guy who helped a kid build a bomb.
“Alfy! You’re Fired!” – Baby Bruce becoming DonaldTrump
“…. Very well Master Baby Bruce”
Cut to the Maniax having a katana vs chainsaw duel
“Boys, boys. We’re a team. We have to get along” – Ciel/Theo
“I don’t wanna! He’s a jerk” – Not-Joker
“I eat people!” – Jerk
“I see we’ll have to settle this then. A quick round of Russian Roulette and then back to business, alright” – Ciel/Theo
Jerk won the first round, but Not-Joker cheated by taking 3 turns at once.
“Bullock, my close friend and ally!” – Jim
“What’s he doing here?” – Mysterious Redhead
“Hey Jim, have you met my girlfriend/fiance?” – Bullock
“He’s gonna ask you to go back to GCPD! Aren’t ya!?!” – Mysterious Redheaded Fiance
“….er… uh…. um… kinda” – Jim
*how does everyone know what I’m thinking!?!* – Jim internal monologue
“No! He’s not coming back!” – Mysterious Redheaded Fiance
“Hun, I’m telling him ‘no’…. what she said.” – Bullock
“I can’t believe Bullock won’t come back. He was a cop. He was born a cop.” – Commish Whatshername
“Not anymore, he’s happy.” – Jim
Bleak outlook on law enforcement there.
Meanwhile at the Wayne Manor, Alfy’s all set to go.
“It’s been a super honor/privilege thing to work for you and your family” – Alfy
“Cool. I’ll be happy to provide any references you might need.” – Baby Bruce Trump
The camera man felt it was very important for us to know that the school bus being targeted by the Maniax is in fact filled with teenage cheerleaders.
Another great scene of Nigma being super awkward when talking to girls. He then has a heart to heart with his alter ego.
Not Joker leads the squad of handcuffed cheerleaders (at gunpoint)
“Give me an O”
“Give me an N”
“Give me another O!”
“What does that spell?!? Oh No!”
Proceeds to douse them all with gasoline
The cops show up in time, mostly because Not Joker’s lighter won’t spark.
“Stand your ground boys, the cops won’t shoot at a bus.” – Not Joker
How do all the villains know police procedure better than the actual cops?
So, the lighter refuses to spark. Jim runs up and punches the dude with it. The lighter falls straight down, and by straight down I mean several yards away. And wouldn’t you know it, it sparks. Oh noes! Fire!
Jim, in a moment of sheer brilliance, decides to simply drive the bus down the block to avoid the flames. 2 points Jim. And yes, according to the music, this is supposed to be funny.
But he doesn’t take the time to make sure the captured Maniax is properly protected. Oooh, headshot. -2 points Jim.
Oh hey! Commercial shout out for the new X-Files show in 2016.
Meanwhile, Alfy’s just sitting at the train station. And now Baby Bruce is sitting at the train station. Awkward silence.
“I don’t want you to go Alfy, but you’re either with me or against me!” – Baby Bruce
“This is big boy stuff Master Bruce” – Alfy (and yes, that’s a direct quote)
“Then teach my Alfy! You lived a totes dangerous life and survived! Teach me how to do the same! I’ll practice every day” – Baby Bruce
“Yeah, well you said that before” – Alfy
“I’ll do anything! I’ll even go back to school!” – Baby Bruce
“How you holding up?” – Jim
“Holding up” – DrGirlfriendLee
“…. Love you” – Jim
“Likewise” – DrGirlfriendLee
… Jim awkwardly leaves the room
So Alfy tries to play it all cool and orders a drink from the bar, and starts chatting up the guy next to him. “Say, you’re that Mr. Fox guy from Wayne Ent. With computers and stuff… well, I broke Baby Bruce’s computer with a hammer and he won’t let me back inside until it’s fixed” – Alfy
The blank stare Lucius has as Alfy tries to tell this store about a dog in the Thames with a kipper or some such, is just perfect. It’s the look you have when you know someone is just making up a bunch of bs about this favor they’re about to ask for.
“………. What is a kipper?” – Foxy
“It’s a type of smoked fish. Good with eggs, anyway, what I learned from ole Ollie is there are some people you can trust and those that you can’t” – Alfy
“… I see what you mean” – Foxy
I think Foxy knows what the show’s about/what he’s getting into and really doesn’t want to get into it.
“So Foxy, let me tell it straight. I don’t know if I can trust you, but I have to trust you, cause it’s all your fault, cause you called PapaWayne ‘stoic’, so I have to trust you cause I can’t trust anyone else. But if I can’t trust you, I will straight up murder you…. We cool?” – Alfy
Foxy’s like: “Man, I just came here to drink!”
So Babs calls up Jim and lures him out of the GCPD, meanwhile the rest of the Maniax waltz in dressed as cops and start shooting up the place. Then TallAndBald from the top rope jumps on Jim and beats the crap out of him. Also, holy cats are there any cops alive after that?
Special shout out to Nigma for saving Ms. Cringle from a hail of bullets. Probably more interesting because it’s a moment of bravery that’s happening in the background instead of the foreground. 2 points show.
Okay, I can’t begin to describe the scene between the tied up Commish Whatshername and Not Joker, but it involves wanting to rule the world (of course!) and Not Joker shooting another croney for stealing his punch line.
Aw man, Commish Whatshername gets killed by blood on the stomach.
Meanwhile, Foxy starts working on fixing the busted computer.
So Baby Bruce gets the news about the GCPD shoot out and rushes over.
“Last time we spoke, I was very hard on you. I came to apologize” – Baby Bruce
“…” – Jim still covered in blood and with that thousand yard stare
Oh hey, looks like Bullocks back on the force!
So, here’s a piece of tv that I wish was more fiction than reality
“We’re reporting to you from the site of the GCPD massacre and have just obtained footage from the attackers. We warn you, what you are about to see may be disturbing”
THEN DON’T FLIPPING SHOW IT ON THE NEWS!!!
And with that dramatic re-enactment of the Joker execution video from Dark Knight, we close out this week’s episode. See you next week!