Welcome to the Gotham Globe Times! Your weekly, unconventional recap of (and commentary on) the wonderful and magical world of Gotham, the television series. Join us on a whimsical adventure with the World’s Greatest Baby Detective “Baby Bruce” (played by Bruce Wayne), his trusty Butler Alfy (played by Alfred Pennyworth), his plucky on-again off-again girlfriend Kitten (played by Selina Kyle), his buddy cop Jim (played by James Gordon), Jim’s trusty Doctor Girlfriend Lee (played by Leslie Thompkins), his psychotic wife Barbara “Babs” (played by Barbara Gordon-Kean), and the ever flappable kingpin Pen Pen (played by The Penguin).
Previously on Gotham…
Ciel/Theo was gloating over his new found “Hero of Gotham” Facebook status
“Poor Not-Joker though” – Babs
“Eh, he was such a compelling character but had limited potential. He would never last long” – Ciel/Theo
This week in Gotham
Start with the Griswold Christmas dinner at Pen Pen’s place where all the guests are yelling incoherently.
…It’s funny how a shotgun can be so loud yet have such a quieting effect.
So Pen Pen is trying to find out to figure out who busted the Maniax out of Arkham. He’s assembled a crack team of people who have no idea who dunnit.
Still trying to figure out what gang the Blade Runner Cosplayers are with. I think they’re leader is Pat Benatar. Such floofy hair.
“I’m tired of your holier than thou attitude Gordon!” – Cop 1
“Yeah, well do some actual police work!” – Jim
Michael Chiklis walks in a destroys a chair with his bare/bear hands
“My name is Captain Nathaniel Barnes!”
Welcome to the show Barney 🙂
Man Barney’s motivational speech is pretty good.
“This place was build over a 100 years ago. It’s old, and strong. They don’t make ‘em like this anymore. And yet a few weeks ago, an escaped convict just walked in and murdered your commissioner and nine fellow officers. I wasn’t even here and I’m ashamed.”
Me too man, sorry I let you down.
Wait, did he say “Coulsen” when flipping through dossiers? AGENTS OF SHIELD CROSSOVER!!! WOOOOO!!!
“You’re all fired!”
…. oh ooohhhhhhh….
Barney’s coming in and busting skulls!
“Jim, your a fighter and a trouble maker. I like you. You’re second in command! Together we’re going to bring Law and Order back to this city.” – Barney
All you really need to do is contact your cable provider and ask for USA. Would you like classic, SVU or Criminal Intent?
So Theo/Ciel invites Pen Pen over to have a chat. He’s already putting it together when Babs walks in in a nightie and starts making out with Tabby and then he’s like “Oh snap, you orchestrated the whole break out and everything”
So Theo/Ciel’s grand plan is to build a blue Emerald City in the middle of Gotham… right in the middle of the residential district… Kinda like the Chinese Olympics (hey hey, topical)
“I’m gonna be running for mayor so I’mma need you to do a lot of the demo/evacuation/extortion of tenets and whatnot. Also if you can murderfy the other mayoral candidates that would be great. Take a shot at me too, but you know, miss.” – Theo/Ciel’s Master Plan
“That makes a lot of sense” – Pen Pen
Pen Pen was all like “Nope. I got my own stuff to do. You need an assassin. You can look them up in the phonebook” – Pen Pen
He’s probably not even lying
“But Pen Pen, we have your precious mother!” – Theo/Ciel
“Hrm… I guess” – Pen Pen
So Dr Girlfriend Lee gets woken up by the phone
“Uh… hello” – Dr Girlfriend Lee
“Hello Doctor. This is Captain Barney. Just wanted to let you know we’ll be keeping you busy real soon, cause we’re gonna be filling the morgue with a bunch of dead bad guys” – Barney
“…uh okay” – Dr Girlfriend Lee
“Also tell Jim to meet me at the Academy later. ‘Kay thanks.” – Barney
“Jim, you’re a warrior! I’m a warrior! I’m putting together a crack team of newbs and I want you to lead them.” – Barney
Candidate montage! What is this, Bring it On?
“You are the Alpha Squad! GCPD’s strike squad!”- Barney
Set up a bunch of kids from the academy as an Alpha team. What is this, Star Trek Deep Space Nine?
Hooray obscure reference!
Theo/Ciel gets the medal of Valor and Bravery from the city for stabbing a ginger in the neck.
“Theo/Ciel why aren’t you running for mayor?” – Newsie 1
Masked dude with a tommy gun does a drive by, hitting no one.
Everyone awkwardly stands up like nothing happened.
“We will not be intimidated. If the bad guys want to stop me running, I guess I have no choice but to run for mayor.” – Theo/Ciel
Cut to Pen Pen and friends waltzing into a campaign center.
“Miss mayor candidate number 1, allow me to introduce myself.” – Pen Pen
“How did you get in!?!” – MissMayorCandidateNumber1
To quote Black Dynamite: “I walked in”
And then Pen Pen brutally stabs the woman in the throat, repeatedly, with her murder screams filling the halls. You know, for kids!
“Why are you doing this?”
“Honestly, I don’t have a freaking clue. We’ve been doing weird stuff all day.” – Butch
Meanwhile, Baby Bruce is going to school again. And kitten decides to drop by. So Alfy smacks her across the face!!!
“That’s for Reggie, now jog on!” – Alfy
Kitten runs away almost in tears.
“Oh, Master Baby Bruce, I could have brought the car around for you. Also, you get to run home. Training and all that” – Alfy
Nigma’s trying to confess his feelings to Miss Kringle as played by a model skeleton.
Nigma-Durden tells him to be more assertive cause she owes him one for saving her life.
Nigma then goes up to her and is like
“Miss Kringle. Dinner tonight. At this place. 8 o’clock” – Nigma
“Sure” – Swooning Kringle
That’s right kids, chicks love it when you cash in favors for demands.
So Baby Bruce invited Theo/Ciel to dinner at a fancy restaurant to thank him for saving his life. Theo/Ciel starts prodding Baby Bruce about his parents murder and how it sucks that they haven’t found any leads on the killer. Baby Bruce is justifiably distracted by the blond woman splashing around in the fountain.
“That’s Silver Saint-Cloud. She’s my ward. Would you like to meet her?” – Theo/Ciel
“Sure.” – Baby Bruce
“You too will be going to the same school” – Theo/Ciel
“And we shall brave it together!” – Silver Clouds
And now Theo/Ciel has a lady on the inside. What is this, Gotham season 1?
Nigma didn’t give Miss Kringle a restaurant at all but the address of his studio apartment (complete with sliding metal door)
He actually has a fairly normal conversation. The writers must be slipping.
“So Pen Pen, why we doing this?” – Butch
“They got my mom!” – Pen Pen
“Ah man, that’s rough. Don’t worry, we’ll find her” – Butch
Is it weird if Butch is like the best human being in this show?
After getting word that mayoral candidates are being targeted.
“If anyone’s got the balls to come after me, they’re gonna get what’s coming!” – Mayor Candidate Number 2
Zsasz walks in, openly carrying two pistols in shoulder holsters. And they all just sit there watching him as he walks around the room.
He then proceeds to shoot all of them (and yes, that still wrong).
I like when he chases Mayor Candidate Number 2 into the street, Jim and the A Team open fire with the candidate in the crossfire. It’s too bad the guy wasn’t a slim teenage cheerleader, the cops never endanger those lives.
Cut to Nigma having the most normal dinner conversation ever, but then he lets slip that her old boyfriend’s dead… Whoopsy. And back to the awkward.
So Nigma, confesses that he has a voice in his head that he talks to who reprimands him when he screws up.
“Well that makes sense” – Miss Kringle
“… Really?” – Nigma
And he then closes the deal with a kiss.
So Jim goes to Pen Pen and goes
“Pen Pen, what the hell? Why you be killing mayor peeps?” – Jim
“Not a good time Jim!” – Pen Pen
“There’s a new Cappy in town and if they find out it was you they are going to arrest you for being bad! No more deals, no more favors!” – Jim
“Oh yeah!?! Well you came alone cause you don’t want your new friends to know that you murdered a dude for me, and that you asked me to run the old commish out of town so you could have your job back!” – Pen Pen
*Crap, why is Pen Pen always right!?* – Jim’s inner thoughts
Meanwhile at the GCPD
“We gonna take down Pen Pen” – Captain Barney
That’s a wrap for this weeks news. Tune in next time for another hilarious episode, now with flame throwers.